♒︎ Aquarius Edition

Intro

Hey everyone, welcome back. This is my second newsletter, it’s a little behind schedule - and I’ve felt some resistance to releasing it. I committed to myself to release one newsletter every month, and also to meditate for 30 minutes every morning (I’m about three weeks into this one) and boy! - this sure makes it clear that I have a community of voices inside, with different desires and aims, otherwise a decision like that would be easy.

But I had a pretty frightening experience recently that’s proving challenging to write about and a part of me would prefer not to share it. I think it would feel a bit hollow to omit, and to pretend like it wasn’t on my mind though - so I’ll get to that.

Sticking to a daily meditation practice has been surprisingly difficult. It seems there are aspects of my mind - let’s call them complexes, being revealed in meditation that are putting up quite a fuss, pulling out various tricks, and trying to convince me to stop - because they don’t want to be observed in the light of consciousness. These complexes would rather continue to hide in those subconscious crannies where they have influence over my behaviour without me knowing it. Well, the only way out is through, right? On with the commitments! This quote from Carl Jung comes to mind:

Chapter 1: Dreams & Belief

Speaking of the unconscious, the first topic I’d like to write about is dreams. I find them fascinating, and have adopted the belief that “no dream is meaningless.” That they are designed by the unconscious (which is a vast & creative intelligence) to communicate with the ego or waking self - especially about its blind spots.

When I say I’ve “adopted” a belief, I mean I’ve taken it on provisionally as part of an experiment. There is no irrefutable, objective proof about the nature of dreams, but what one chooses to believe has a profound influence on what one experiences. So I’ve adopted this belief about dreams, and the more meaning I find in them - the more evidence I have to support it. Compare that with the belief that “dreams are just a bunch of random nonsense.” - well, you’re pretty unlikely to find meaning running that one.

A more general example of this principle is in the question “Do you believe in yourself?” - it’s not the kind of thing you can rely on objective proof for either, and if you don’t believe in yourself? Well, you won’t even try.

In the future I’ll share some of my own dreams and meaning-making process, but for now I just want to give a practical method for remembering them.
Get yourself a dedicated dream-journal and keep a pen by its side, then;

• When you get up in the morning, before you look at any notifications on your phone (this is crucial!) go to your journal, and write. If you can’t remember anything, then write - “I don’t remember any dreams this morning.”

• Writing this is not a waste of time. It’s actually a profound act that signals to your psyche that you are ready to receive.

• Do this every day until it becomes a habit. It won’t be long before something comes through. Try it!

Chapter 2: Fear & Courage

The event I alluded to earlier that has been challenging to write about is this - I had what is probably best described as a panic attack. Tightness of my chest, disorientation, & fear. It was very intense. I thought I was probably having a heart-attack, and the next day, with lingering tightness and other symptoms - that seemed like the best explanation. But after spending an evening at the hospital and getting results from some pretty thorough tests, I was told - “Your heart and general health are fine. You didn’t have a heart-attack.”

So I guess what I experienced was more psychological than physical. I’d never experienced something like that before and I don’t generally suffer from anxiety. But if my psyche produced that experience (rather than a blood clot or something) and if I choose to believe that the events of the psyche contain meaning - then, what does it mean? It seems to me there must be something heavy or fearful in my psyche that I do not yet see or understand, and my attitude about it is that it’s my responsibility to investigate. I currently feel a curious mixture of relief, embarrassment, and dread about the whole thing. But I want to take this opportunity to write about Courage & Fear.

I consider courage a truly primary virtue, and the intention to cultivate it has been one of the clearest paths for pursuing my own self-improvement. But what is the relationship between courage & fear? It’s tempting to think of them as opposites, but I’m currently pondering the subtleties. In the midst of my “attack” it took courage to tell my lover: “I’m really afraid now.” - in that instance, to “put on a brave face” would have been the more cowardly choice. It seems to me, that fear is like a field in which courage can arise, and if we repress our fear - if we deny that we are afraid when that is our truth - then our “brave face” becomes a brittle mask stretched over an abyss. In a similar way - to project an image of confidence in order to conceal a feeling of self-doubt is, I think, asking for trouble. I prefer a more integrative approach.

So, I want to put it here in writing: Courage is one of my highest ideals, and sometimes I feel terrified.

Chapter 3: Trip Report

As many of you probably know, psychedelic exploration is an important practice for me, and one of the major inspirations for my artwork. Trip reports and my reflections on them are one of the things you can expect to find in these letters. I’ve got some pretty wild stories that I’ll share over time, but today I’m going to exercise restraint and give you something short and sweet:

I was tripping on mushrooms one evening and sat down to meditate during the peak. I closed my eyes, brought my attention inwards, and got this vision of “my interior” - perhaps it was the inside of my head. It was richly coloured and beautiful, densely patterned with intricate sacred geometry and jewels - it looked like the inside of some gorgeous cathedral, mosque, or temple. It was spacious and it filled me with a sense of awe. There was a deep, harmonious hum, and then this phrase arose:

“In my mind I am building a cathedral for my Holy Guardian Angel to inhabit.”

I repeated it as a mantra, an affirmation, an incantation. After a time the visions shifted, moving down to my chest. The colours became more green, the tone and the sense of awe softened. The incantation changed:

“In my heart I am building a cathedral for my Holy Guardian Angel to inhabit.”

Then,

“In my life I am building a cathedral for my Holy Guardian Angel to inhabit.”

These three “verses,” each with a distinct visionary state experienced in a different part of my interior (head, chest, and feet) repeated in a cycle - the incantation repeating, repeating, repeating and driving the trip until it finally began to fade and I shifted my attention outward again. It was very beautiful, and I still repeat that guiding incantation sometimes when I remember.

Chapter 4: Community & Announcement

Finally, my partner and I will be hosting a drop-in art making club every second Thursday at our studio. - “Psychedelic Art Club!” - will be a container for psychonauts, dreamers, and artists to hang out, share, and inspire each other to create. Click the link below for details.

Psychedelic Art Club Details

Well that’s it for this one! Thanks for reading, and feel free to reply if you’d like to connect.
Until next time,

Clark

What I’m reading:

The Stand by Stephen King

What I’m listening to:

PetroDragonic Apocalypse; or, Dawn of Eternal Night: An Annihilation of Planet Earth and the Beginning of Merciless Damnation by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

www.clarkmcmillanpainting.com